Today, we continue our look into the frightening, mind-altering world of children’s cereal mascots. I only hope that my vigilance will open others’ eyes to the evils of Kellogg and General Mills!
Exhibit B–the Lucky Charms Leprechaun
The fate of Lucky, the poor leprechaun of the Lucky Charms commercials, is a tale of violent tragedy. He prizes his cereal more than a pot of gold and is endlessly pursued by sugar-crazed children. Far from just a variation on old leprechaun legends, Lucky Charms commercials discourage hard work in favor of mob-style brutality and even contain Marxist undertones.
The children in Lucky Charms commercials act like criminals; they choose a relatively defenseless victim, sneak up on him, and attempt to jump him and take his valuables. I’m no criminal psychologist, but I’m sure you’d get the same answer if you asked any violent criminal why they turned to a life of crime: “I just had to have those Lucky Charms, man! They’re magically delicious!”
These commercials also undermine capitalist notions of hard work and free trade. In most commercials, Lucky can be seen hard at work in the woods, lovingly crafting his Lucky Charms. The children then descend on the leprechaun and bind him with handcuffs or rope to forcefully take away the fruits of his labor. This brutal act resembles a Marxist revolution as the children take possession of the bourgeoisie leprechaun’s wealth. These kids could be making their own cereal or working to earn money to buy some, but instead decide to forcefully redistribute the Lucky Charms among all the inhabitants of the forest. Lenin would be proud.
Lucky Charms commercials represent an underground Communist threat to America. Whatever Trotsky-lovers may say, these ads should be barred from the airways of any freedom-loving nation.
P.S. Originally, I wrote this as an assignment for a college class. After I turned this in, a lot of my classmates actually thought I was being serious and branded me as some sort of cereal Nazi.