Today, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had recently. Those of you living outside Colorado may not see the relevance of what I’m about to describe, but hopefully the rest of you can relate to what I’m talking about.
I was walking down the street, eating Swedish Fish and picturing Albert Einstein doing the Hustle, when I was approached by a man with purple Bermuda shorts and a glorious, flowing mullet that would have made Odin himself weep with envy.
The man thrust a clipboard in my direction and we began an exchange that went something like this:
Bermuda shorts man: Hey, man. Would you like to sign up to donate to the Firefighters and Puppies Fund?
Me: What’s that?
Bermuda shorts man: It’s a new program where we take $20 out of each of your paychecks and give it to adorable, Bambi-eyed puppies and heroic, virile firefighters.
Me: That sounds great. Sign me up.
Bermuda shorts man: Well, there is one catch, though.
Me: What’s the catch?
Bermuda shorts man: You see, most of the money doesn’t actually go to the puppies and firefighters. About 90% of it goes to the Firefighters and Puppies Fund Center for Red Tape and Thuggish Intimidation, where it pays the salaries of hundreds of employees. It’s their job is to protect the puppies and firefighters by forcing them to jump through a bunch of legal hoops and making sure they receive as little money as possible.
Bermuda shorts man: Yeah, and nothing ever really seems to improve for the puppies and firefighters, anyway. In fact, the last seven hundred and forty-three times we gave them money, their situation got worse. Some of the puppies have even started eating their own feet off.
Me: Okay …
Bermuda shorts man: And most of your money doesn’t go to fund the local Firefighters and Puppies Fund, anyway. The vast majority of it will go to the Mumbai, India Firefighters and Puppies Fund, so your community’s puppies and firefighters will see very little change.
Me: Okay, so why would I…
Bermuda shorts man: And a good chunk of the money will go to create the Firefighters and Puppies Fund Bureaucratically Universal Legislative and Legal Center for Restitution to Artistic Pooches Committee, or BULLCRAP Committee, which will make sure your money is properly distributed to all the parties within the Firefighters and Puppies Fund organization. Because, you know, we can’t just have it go straight to the puppies and firefighters. If we did that, we wouldn’t have any money to pay the people who fight for the rights of the puppies and firefighters by telling them what to do! And of course, the dozens who work for the BULLCRAP Committee will need to receive a salary for their work.
Me: Yeah, I don’t think I want to…
Bermuda shorts man: Oh! And I didn’t even tell you the best part: If you begin donating to the Firefighters and Puppies Fund, we can increase your contribution amount anytime we want by as much as we feel like!
Bermuda shorts man: That’s right! We can take your contribution of $20 per paycheck and increase it to $50 or $500 or $20,000 per paycheck without asking your permission!
Me: Uh, yeah, I don’t think I’m going to sign up for this.
Bermuda shorts man: What?! Don’t you like puppies?! This initiative is for the puppies!
Me: No, actually. It sounds like it’s just an excuse to take as much of my money as you can while pretending to be some sort of humanitarian.
Bermuda shorts man: You filthy puppy-hater! You’re worse than Hitler and Satan and black jelly beans combined!
Then he smacked my face with the clipboard and stormed off, buttocks swaying from side-to-side in righteous indignance.
And that’s why I peed my pants with glee when I learned that Amendment 66 was voted down.