One of the many great lessons learned by mankind is this: in its re-emergence, evil is often far more threatening in than in its first incarnation. We thought we had defeated the Germans after World War I, the end-all be-all of warfare. Then came the Nazis. The people of Russia thought they had brought injustice to an end after they overthrew the Czar. Then came the Soviets. And now there is a darkness, one we’ve seen before, that has taken on a more powerful form and threatens all of existence.
I thought I had seen the last of the Furbys.
The Furby, for those of you unaware, was a dark fusion of bird and mammal with a voice like that of a neutered Mr. Rogers and eyes like a thousand screaming, tortured souls. Wielding a powerful black magic, the Furby, at the height of its power, nearly ground all of humanity under its fuzzy heel.
The foolish children of the 1990s purchased furbies in large numbers, allowing them to spread their dark cult across the face of the whole Earth. Fortunately, the fad died out and the hellish idols were left to gather dust in America’s closets, their age of darkness at last brought to a close.
I thought it was over. I held on to the hope that mankind had banished whatever foul spirits had inhabited the creatures and could at last live in peace. But I fear that, like evil, pain, and death, Furby domination may be inevitable.
Earlier this year, I was taking an innocent scroll through my Facebook news feed when I saw that a friend had posted this on my wall:
“Furby Boom.” They’re back, ladies and gentlemen. And they’re more frightening than ever.
In addition to resurrecting the sick creatures, the poor fools at Hasbro actually expanded their power. With the aid of an app akin to the Necronomicon, the furbies can now interact with your smart phones, tablet computers, and other pieces of technology. That’s right: all of our communications—our phones, our computers, the Internet—all will succumb to the will of the Furby.
How did this happen?! What brain-dead ad executive actually said to themselves, “You know what’d look great on kids’ smart phones? Satan!”
You heard it here first; the future is indeed here, and the future is Furby. In a few years, I suspect we’ll be living in a world that resembles those of The Terminator, Mordor, 1984, and My Little Pony fused together into a land where the air reeks of cuteness and death.
Oh, but that’s not all. Feast your eyes on the next generation of dark dieties:
This is a “furbling.” Yes. They’re reproducing. Not only have the immortal furbies resurfaced, they’ve multiplied. There is no doubt in my mind: the furbies’ will continue to procreate until their demon spawn overrun the Earth and devour all who resist their iron-fisted rule.
Malevolent forces greater than any mankind has ever faced surround us, ready to devour our very souls. But do not despair just yet. I have long prepared for this day.
My studies in Furby lore have shown me the beasts’ weaknesses, and I plan to share my knowledge with any who will listen. After cowering in fear of the Furby’s return for over a decade, it is at last time to stand and fight.
Grab your crosses and garlic, friend, and check back next week.