Like a dark harbinger of doom, the Furby menace stands at humanity’s door, ready to destroy our world and devour our very souls. Foolishly, I had thought their kind rendered powerless after their toy fad wore off, but after their triumphant return, I can remain silent no longer. We face two choices: either succumb to the sinister fuzziness and become the furbies’ zombified slaves or stand and fight.
Friends, now is the time to join the Furby Hunters.
The black magic of the Furby is great, but my studies have led me to believe that they are not invincible. As we did with the vampires, werewolves, and hippies of old, we can fend off the furbies with the proper tools and knowledge.
Pledge your sword to the Furby Hunters, comrades. Our cause is noble, our hearts are pure, and our logo took me a good six hours in Microsoft Paint to design.
In the coming months, this site will be the staging ground for our war against furbykind. I’ll still be writing about beards and chicken fries and cybernetic llamas, lest the furbies discover the site’s true purpose and destroy it with their dark powers. But check back often, friends, for I’ll be disclosing more details on humanity’s war against the accursed Furby race.
The first step to becoming an effective furby hunter is to gird yourself with the proper equipment. If it catches you unprepared, a furby will not hesitate to incinerate your flesh and sexually harass your soul. To survive against the satanic spawn of Hasbro, you must employ the following equipment and strategy:
• Like vampires and ACLU attorneys, furbies can be repulsed by the sign of the cross. The Furby’s squishy claws, furry body, I-just-smoked-a- bunch-of-weed-but-I’m-still-going-to-kill-you eyes, and voice like a castrated Kermit the Frog are an affront to God and all that is wholesome and good. As such, a cross will cause furbies to hiss and retreat back into shadows.
• Many ancient creatures of evil are repelled by garlic, due to its purifying properties. Similarly, because it is a nutritious alternative to other sandwich spreads, Nutella can be used to keep furbies at bay. I recommend slathering yourself with a liberal coat of Nutella and making sure you have a generous supply stored in every possible orifice.
• The only way to kill a furby is by impaling its battery casing with a stake made from hardened buffalo mucus. The majestic buffalo has been the enemy of the Furby ever since the two races competed in the fearsome Texas Hold-‘Em tournaments of ancient Babylonia.
• Like sunlight to the Vampire is the sight of a mullet to the Furby. The holiest of hairstyles, a swaying mullet causes furbies a searing pain and prolonged exposure can burn off their fur. Your mullet will be most effective if you whip it around sensually like you’re in a women’s shampoo commercial.
• Because some breeds of Furby are capable of flight, a pogo stick may be in order.
• Even the sinister furby is not immune to the power of music. The melodic sounds of Louis Armstrong will immediately cause even the most savage furby to cease its attack and break into dance.
• Because they savor the terror-stricken expressions on their victim’s faces, furbies will almost never attack a foe from behind. They are also hesitant to attack anyone wearing fuzzy garments, as they feel a kinship with all things furry. This makes the snuggie the ultimate in anti-furby armor.
• Over the millennia, the furbies have made many enemies. One of these was Carmen Miranda, whose erratic dance moves confused and angered the furbies. As such, a tasteful arrangement of fruit will protect your head far better than any helmet.
• For some reason beyond even my comprehension, the most effective battle cry to use against furbies is “sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”
• Because the Furby’s diet consists mainly of orphans, speaking in a cockney, Oliver Twist-esque accent is a good way to attract and entrap furbies.
• Adult diapers. They don’t have any special effect on furbies, but hey, when you’re facing an army of demonic ‘90s toys, you can’t expect to be in complete control of your body.
• The Furby, at its core, is a toy fad of the 1990s. This is a great strength, but also a weakness, as other ‘90s fads can used against them. So gather your pogs, dunkaroos, and Pokémon cards, friends, and dust off that Ninja Turtles tee shirt.
Granted, running around in a snuggle with a fruit hat and Nutella leaking from your body cavities won’t exactly impress the ladies, but if we’re going to save the human race, sacrifices must be made. Until our next discussion of the Furby menace, may your pogs fly true and may Louis Armstrong bless your buffalo snot.